Career / Relationship Tips by Milind Purandare

Career and Relationship Tips
By
Milind Purandare
Career and Relationship Coach
milind.purandare@outlook.com
+1-949-278-2288

These career and relationship tips are born out of the numerous coaching sessions that I have been conducting with my clients and dedicate them to these open minded and trusting individuals

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While in employment it is a good idea to keep a sense of the net value you are adding to the employer's business. Circumstances might arise that change this equation. An early warning sense enables you to take proactive steps to manage any situation.

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You don't have to believe every thing that the employer / boss tells you about yourself. 
Same applies to all your other relationships including parents, teachers, co-workers, spouse / partner, children, friends and relatives.

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You are never limited by your past ( parents , education, work-experience ...). Never a good idea to blame the past.

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Self-defeating thoughts/ thought patterns are like viruses of the mind. Daily virus check is very necessary to identify and remove these and replacing them using the right affirmations. This needs to be a life-long exercise.

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Treat your job designation like work clothing - no need to wear it every where you go - certainly not at home.

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Maturity converts ownership into trusteeship

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Role-based time budgeting is useful for balancing between roles. Impulsively spending time on things on a regular basis impacts role balance adversely.

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Thoughts are wonderful instruments - they can add energy and they can take it away too. Good to choose your thoughts whenever you can. Cultivating energizing thoughts and weeding away de-energizing thoughts does help.

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Anyone who is too busy to relate meaningfully with others finds it really difficult to experience joy

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Gratitude towards your employer helps improve the quality of your work-life.

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Politics is an essential part of all human organizations. Instead of complaining about it or being naive about it, it helps to develop a deep understanding about the political reality and use it to one's advantage.

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In a world obsessed with growth, winning, image, achievements, performance, success, calculation, prediction , try enjoying a holiday of carefree silliness, try having a partner in silliness and experience some carefree fun 

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Sure way to increase respect for yourself in your and others eyes - at work and at home - consistently make and keep commitments.

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When there is an issue in your life which you don't want to share with anyone - that is the best time to share it with someone you trust. The act of sharing relieves a lot of burden on the mind.

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Build your big picture - it is your dependable daily source of inspiration and rejuvenation.

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If you don't understand the business value that you create for the employer's business, you are more likely to view your compensation as a favor .
In reality your compensation is your rightful share of the business value that you and your employer together create.

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Balancing between roles

Each of us have many roles to discharge - at home, work and elsewhere. Their relative importance keeps changing. New roles keep coming up, and existing roles become irrelevant. Ideally we want to maintain balance between our roles. In reality however this seems difficult. Some roles seem easier than others. Some seem more pleasurable. Our outlook becomes partial to some roles. We tend to spend more time on those roles that we like. There is a price to be paid for all the imbalance that we have in our roles. Those roles that we neglect have a way of getting back at us.

Roles preferences are natural behavior of our mind. We however need to step beyond the preferences to practice equanimity towards our roles.

Also necessary is a constant stock taking on whether any existing role has become irrelevant and doing some spring cleaning to retire roles which have become irrelevant.

A constant evaluation to determine if time redistribution of roles is needed.

Role management and balancing is an activity that is good to do explicitly and on a very regular basis and in consultation with your stake holders who get affected by your roles.

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A daily mental bath is needed to take off all the labels that people including yourself have stuck on you. Else those labels become your limitations.

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Working for compensation / profit is very uninspiring. Work for creating stakeholder value and make compensation / profit a by-product to have an inspiring work-life.

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Self-respect in Relationships

Maintaining your self-respect in a relationship requires you to define , communicate and stand up for your own boundaries. No relationship needs to be at the cost of your self-respect.

This becomes a bit tricky especially with close relationships such as parents, spouse/partner, siblings, in-laws, boss, clients and children. Very often people silently suffer in such close relationships. Ending them is usually not a viable option.

If you have never set such boundaries, you would probably need help with building such a capability in you.... and I can help you if you seek such help.

I strongly believe that no human being needs to suffer the indignity and agony of being disrespected or abused especially in a close relationship.

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Role of a Career Platform in Career Management.

A career platform is a set of entities including - a knowledge base, a set of skills, possibly an industry domain, possibly a company, a line of business, a professional network, and a progression of roles around which you build a phase of your career. In the past, one could have a lifetime career around a single career platform. This has been changing.

The concept of a career platform is akin to a product platform .

Be prepared to build your career around not one but several career platforms one in succession to the other. The longevity of a career platform has been reducing over the past few decades and will continue to do so.

Managing the lifecycle of a career platform is an essential aspect of career management. This includes development of a new platform, sustaining the platform, and retiring a platform.

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Every constraint is an opportunity to create or innovate

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A strongly positive self-image is absolutely necessary for career success. Make it so positive that it makes you feel good about yourself all the time, every day. Invest your time in creating and maintaining one. It is your most valuable asset. Guard it. Refresh it daily.

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Employer - owner of your time or a buyer of your services ? - makes a big difference in your job experience. First model has root in slavery while the second in trade or commerce.

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Experience of taking responsibility , exercising your free-will or operating out of freedom is joy.

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Healthy relationships are based on a positive self-image. A negative self-image creates relationships out of compulsion - never fun to be in.

It takes two people each with a positive self-image for a true loving relationship. That is how a "love-marriage " really happens.

Relationships based on a negative self-image very often become abusive.

The best gift as a parent you can give a child is to carefully and lovingly nurture a positive self-image in your child. Something of true value that will last a life-time.

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A set of opinions about yourself which helps you in your life roles is a positive self-image. One that hinders is negative. You are the judge.

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There is no perfect employer. It helps to maintain a positive image of your employer / boss and co-workers (work ecosystem) while in employment

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Growing in Career Beyond Appreciation and Censure.

In our childhood we remember the system of rewards and punishments, which our parents and / or teachers put in place to encourage us to do the right things and not do the wrong things. Rewards were pleasurable and punishments were to be feared. We grew up under the influence of this system.

However slowly and unknowingly we started becoming dependent on the pleasures which came to us by way of rewards, recognition, approvals, pats on the back. We also became dependent on avoiding actions that lead to the fearful consequences of censure , criticism, firing. Now we became easily controllable and unknowingly lost our independence

This loss of independence started showing up in our careers. Pleasing the boss became a pleasurable experience to many of us. We started working towards recognition and rewards. We lost track of our own career agendas even if we ever had such agendas in place. We got lost in the jungle of rewards and punishments.

Our bosses know this very well and did not hesitate to use this system to control our behavior. Performance appraisal ratings , increments, promotions stock options etc. ... right up to a nod of approval started driving our behavior. We became incapable of charting our own course. This led us to a general feeling of being lost and demotivated. We had to continually pay a price to get our regular fix of appreciation.

We need to understand our dependence on this system and grow out of it just the way we grew out of the need for candy and toys, Growing out of it will enable us to create our own course and progress along our chosen growth path. We need to make the system of rewards and punishments irrelevant in our work lives by growing out of it. Only then we can enjoy the freedom in our work lives and be the masters of our destiny.

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You and your boss are partners in a team whose job is to serve your customer ( internal or external). It is not your job to serve your boss.

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Career growth requires a consistent investment of your time and efforts beyond your job. It also needs a clear sense of direction.

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Refer to the organization you work for as "We" and not "They"

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Ability to share needs a significantly high level of emotional maturity as compared with requirement of exclusive ownership. Voluntary sharing is possible only for a few.

Inner growth makes it possible to move from "mine and yours" to "ours"

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A true professional is one who is first true and loyal to one's profession, ahead of being loyal to the employer.

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One effect of living by an inspiring life vision is that everyday adverse events don't affect you significantly. They are perceived as only temporary setbacks. In the absence of an inspiring vision , such events can be quite paralyzing.

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The only one who has accompanied you faithfully during each moment of your life so far, is yourself. Deserves highest respect ?

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Vision + Execution plan result in tremendous self-confidence.

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Day after day when you need to drag yourself to work - or struggle to keep yourself in a relationship - it is time to take stock and make changes. All situations can be changed.

You don't ever need to be stuck in misery. There is no goal, job or relationship worth the cost of your own happiness.

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"Do as you are told" , "Just follow the instructions " are very degrading phrases.

Human beings are supposed to take in instructions as inputs, apply their decision making process, and then make a decision regarding doing or otherwise.

Slaves and machines just do what they are told.

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Doing anything without your full buy-in is stressful. Doing a job that you don't like doing is like a self-imposed rigorous imprisonment.

Whole-hearted vs half-hearted makes a very big difference in your career experience and success. Like the difference between "I have to" and "I want to "

Never use the sentence "I have to ..." !

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When you are in love, nothing feels like work. It is the end of "work" in your life. Can you be in love? It is the best thing that can happen to you , your family, your relationships and your career at any stage in your life.

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Think of your pay as honorarium and see how you feel

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Experience of life is driven much more by the attitude towards life than by the personal environment. Changing the attitude is a lot smarter , cheaper and easier way than attempting to change the personal environment.

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Saying "I want to contribute to this world" is much better than saying "I have to work for a living"

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Seeking help is not and should not mean abdication of responsibility.

Especially true in the context of a doctor patient relationship. It is never the doctor's responsibility to maintain your health. Her job is only to provide you some specialized help. The responsibility is squarely yours.

Same applies to all professional help that you avail in the course of your life including that of teachers, consultants, coaches, attorneys, accountants ... including Gurus.

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Job loss is not a calamity - it is a situation which can be responded to.

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On Job Satisfaction

It is not the job of your job to satisfy you. Neither is it your spouse's job. Your work-place will love to have a "satisfied you". So will all your other relationships - spouse, partner, children ... included

Learn to discover "a satisfied you" within yourself.

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A documented self-image gives you a self-image backup. Your daily life interactions often corrupt your self-image in your mind. A daily first thing in the morning and last thing before hitting bed routine of repair and restore of the self-image by reading your self-image document aloud to yourself is a good idea.

The self-image document is a number of great things about yourself that you want to be true , which create an image that brings a smile to your face and confidence in your heart. Makes you ready to start and end your day on the right footing.

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Personal Boundaries

In employment, business or in any other relationship, it is very essential to be aware of one's own boundaries and stand up for those. A personal boundary defines things like what behavior you will and will not tolerate from others and what protocols need to be followed when dealing with you. You need to educate others around you about your boundaries regularly and clearly.

Any relationship (including intimate ones)does not give another person a right or excuse to violate your personal boundaries. If you don't stand up for those , it is unlikely that anyone else will. Career or relationship success depends significantly on how well you are able to stand up for your own boundaries.

Even if you have never done this so far, it is possible to learn to do this with some help.

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If your pay & benefits dominate your daily thoughts you need to re-look at your career choice. Inspiring careers are built around contribution and not returns.

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The first step to a successful career is to define your idea of success. There is no universal definition for this. This may also change with time. Establish your own benchmarks / success criteria. Care about being successful in your own eyes.

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Don't seek job security. Instead, seek to develop valuable capabilities combined with internal flexibility. This will enable you to address any work situation including a job loss.

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It is not anyone's job to make you happy
And
It is not your job to make anyone happy.

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If you are a specialized professional in any area, a great act of giving for you would be to pass on some of your knowledge and skills in some diluted form to the members of your immediate community. This will serve to empower both you and your community. Neighborhood groups are an ideal vehicle for such exchange and creating educated communities.

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You have no freedom to change your boss's / co-worker's / client's behavior ( environmental stimulus) but you have the freedom to choose your response.

This is true about all relationships.

Focus on choosing the response, not on complaining about the stimulus.

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The degree may vary but all human beings have personal likes and dislikes - they are biased. There is no basis to expect otherwise.

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Being oneself is better than trying to look good to others

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Role Switching.
Modern life ( with smart phones) requires that we switch between several roles during the day. Every role comes with its own context. Developing an ability to rapidly and effectively do a role-switch is important . Though not always possible - it is good if you can keep a time-gap between switching off one role and starting another one.

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Getting into a relationship to become happy is not a good idea. It never works.
 A relationship can however be a great medium to express your happiness. That works very well.

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How to handle people who order you around.

Very often at home and at work, you will encounter people who order you around. They expect you to obey them at all times.

Next time someone ( including your boss, spouse or in-law ) orders you - - try this

" Thanks for your input. I will certainly consider it while making my decision in this matter"

Doing this you establish your right to make a decision. This is an important aspect of exercising your free will and career growth.

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Let everything you do be a result of your conscious decision to do it. Never do anything with the thought that " I am doing just because I was told to do it" or " I am just following orders". Because even if you are following orders, it is finally your decision to "follow an order". Let the thought be " It is my decision to follow an order".

Observe how it feels when you do things as a result of your decision to do those.

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Earning one's livelihood is not an inspiring vision. A vision needs to include more than just oneself to be inspiring.

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Handling Setbacks

Setbacks are an inevitable part of work and personal lives. Relationships experience setbacks. Setbacks hurt. Some hurt badly. Emotionally, socially and financially.
The most important response to a setback is to accept that it has happened and that it is not a reflection of your competence totally. Competence itself keeps evolving. Of course mistakes do happen as we are human.
Be understanding , be self-forgiving, forgive others involved, talk about it with your mentor or coach, after matters are settled design a response to the setback, perform a root-cause analysis, consolidate your learning with corrective and preventive actions and most importantly- get on with your life.

There is no life, no career, no business, no relationship without setbacks. Expect them - deal with them. Don't let them alter or lower your self-image. Get help in dealing with setbacks when necessary.

Vision helps a lot when dealing with setbacks.

Being in regular touch with your mentor does help like an insurance in dealing with setbacks. The reason is that your mentor is updated on your context making it easy to understand and in some cases provide you an early warning too.

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It is very special relationship in which you are free to be silly or not burdened with talking sense all the time.

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There is always a potential for a true partnership between people "across the table or counter" eg. doctor -patient, teacher-parent, parent-children, provider-customer, producer-consumer, professional-client.

Such partnerships or even friendships can create otherwise unimaginable possibilities.

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On Inter-personal Role-related Conflict Resolution

Coming from any specific role, conflicts are a common possibility in a relationship. Most often it is the role-related interests that lead to conflicts. We judge ourselves and others through their roles and therefore conflicts continue.

Continued conflicts are a drain on our emotional energy and early resolution is a very desirable outcome.

The reason why conflicts continue is that we are unable, even for a short while, to distance ourselves from the roles which we have assumed. We are unable to understand the other person's point of view.

If we had a magical ability to distance ourselves from our roles, in such a state of being - we will find that all conflicts naturally resolve. The act of distancing ourselves from all roles is called meditation. In meditation, the only role we have is that of a witness. We watch all roles that we assume like a spectator. We transition from being "an actor" to being the "audience".

Meditation can be learnt from a trained teacher. Regular and consistent practice makes us proficient at mentally distancing ourselves from our roles at will. It makes us more understanding. More forgiving.

While meditation has several significant benefits, one key benefit of meditation is effortless conflict resolution.

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As far as possible don't tell your subordinates what to do - instead, describe to them clearly the end result you desire to achieve. If required, suggest ways of getting there but do not instruct them. Let them figure out their own way of getting there.

This increases their involvement, ownership, feeling of inclusion, partnership and motivation.

This mode works very well in parenting and teaching too.

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On Career / Life Stagnation.

Any flow stagnates when there are blocks ( obstructions) to the flow. Blocks in the mind are opinions about oneself and others, so deeply entrenched that they start looking like facts. When there are enough such blocks built up over a period of time, the flow of life ( career or relationship) can be completely blocked.

Removal of blocks needs help. The same mental process that created the blocks cannot remove them. Fortunately such help is available.

It is important to recognize that stagnation is not about external circumstances but it is about self-created internal blocks which are removable.

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Relationship Portfolio

You can either get thrown into an impulsively created relationship and try figuring out why you are in it during the course of the relationship

OR

You can consciously decide to get into and cultivate a relationship with a clear sense of purpose.

Your experience of the relationship will be very different based on which approach you take.

In work and in personal life, it is much better to have a select few well-cultivated purposeful relationships than to have a large number of impulsive, purposeless and ill-maintained connects. It is not the number but the quality and depth of relationships that counts.

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Loyalty in a relationship based on "no need to look elsewhere" is so much more sustainable than a lock-in contract which "bars you from looking elsewhere"

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Relationship Health Monitoring

Relationships are living entities. They have a life-cycle. They need nurture. A particular set of circumstances leads to the birth of a relationship, its evolution and growth, and its demise.

During the course of a relationship it is useful to know the health of a relationship. How does one know it ?

While a completely objective assessment is not possible, there are some factors which are indicative of the relationship health

1. How readily both of you can agree to a time and place to meet ? Or agree upon minor things.

2. Do you look eagerly forward to or do you try to avoid meeting each other?

3. In case of a negative feeling - do you first talk about it to each other or with someone else ?

4. Do you feel cheerful with the other person or you feel drained of energy?

5. Does your vision of the future include this relationship?

You can create several such benchmark questions. It is important that you periodically assess the health of each of your relationships and decide the interventions that each one needs - may it be repair, reconditioning or even gracefully euthanizing a relationship

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Flexibility of expectations from life results in huge gains in peace of mind. Peace of mind, not ownership of assets, is the true experience of prosperity.

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Don't make pleasing anyone ( boss, spouse, client) or even yourself your career / relationship objective. Whether anything or anyone pleases a person is a function of that person's complex past and evolving disposition. What pleases today might not please tomorrow. It is a moving target. Having it as an objective is bound to result in frustration.

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Look at every relationship in your life as a channel to contribute to the world

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Regret about the past and worry about the future does nothing to help the present

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Never stay in a job, partnership or a relationship where you are not respected. Disrespect is emotional abuse. Have a very low tolerance for disrespect. There is nothing noble about tolerating disrespect. Money is not a substitute for respect. Nothing is worth more than your self-image. Don't stay in an arrangement that compromises on respect towards you. Your self-image is your most valuable asset. Guard it with all your might and heart ! Do not put up with any abuse ever in any relationship.

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A career growth inhibitor - "I have never done it earlier ". Do not entertain it while deciding to make job or role changes.

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It is just to expect civil behavior from all (especially from people in authority and in close relationships ) irrespective of the nature of your mistakes. It is also your duty to educate others around you what constitutes acceptable behavior and what does not.

It is your duty to exhibit civil behavior to all around you at all times.

There is no action that can justify the use of uncivil behavior. No one does ever deserve such behavior.

Examples of uncivil behavior are - raising voice, using verbal abuses, derogatory talk, harassment, using threats ... any acts of violence or threats of violence.

There is a universal boundary for a healthy relationship which needs to be understood and respected.

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It is a part of our emotional growth to learn that even after putting in our very best, things don't always happen the way we want them to and still be OK with it.

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On processing of recurring thoughts

There are some thoughts that keep recurring in your mind. A recurring thought - a thought that will not go away - takes up your mental bandwidth. Depending on the number of thoughts and their recurring frequency your mind will experience reduced available bandwidth.

To end the recurrence of a thought, it is necessary to process it further. A good first step would be to write it down in your thought journal. Sometimes a course of followup actions would be possible and otherwise you may decide to park the thought for now. Either way the thought is out of your system.

You might want to review your parked thoughts regularly to see if some of them have become ready to act upon or have become irrelevant.

This approach serves the purpose of freeing up your mental bandwidth on an ongoing basis.

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It is not a good idea to complain about a job / relationship / financial / health or any situation. Complaining dis-empowers you and creates negative emotions. You feel stuck in the situation.

If you don't like a situation, either do something to change it if you can or else decide to live with it as long as you need to. Either way you are being decisive and empowered. You will not feel stuck.

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On making promises.

However tempting it is to make a promise in the heat of the moment, do not make it. Whenever possible borrow some time to understand what is it you are promising, its implications and then make a deliberate decision to make the promise . Discuss it with someone you trust if you need to. In the heat of the moment say " Can I get back to you on this ? "

You are respected when people realize that you think before you commit - you do not do it impulsively . Your credibility increases.

There are sometimes you might want to refuse to promise. There are times when you will not be able to deliver what you promised. This is OK. You are human. Both are learning opportunities.

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We carry the burden of everyone who we have judged

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Growing in Career Beyond Appreciation and Censure

In our childhood we remember the system of rewards and punishments, which our parents and / or teachers put in place to encourage us to do the right things and not do the wrong things. Rewards were pleasurable and punishments were to be feared. We grew up under the influence of this system.

However slowly and unknowingly we started becoming dependent on the pleasures which came to us by way of rewards, recognition, approvals, pats on the back. We also became dependent on avoiding actions that lead to the fearful consequences of censure , criticism, firing. Now we became easily controllable and unknowingly lost our independence

This loss of independence started showing up in our careers. Pleasing the boss became a pleasurable experience to many of us. We started working towards recognition and rewards. We lost track of our own career agendas even if we ever had such agendas in place. We got lost in the jungle of rewards and punishments.

Our bosses know this very well and did not hesitate to use this system to control our behavior. Performance appraisal ratings , increments, promotions stock options etc. ... right up to a nod of approval started driving our behavior. We became incapable of charting our own course. This led us to a general feeling of being lost and demotivated. We had to continually pay a price to get our regular fix of appreciation.

We need to understand our dependence on this system and grow out of it just the way we grew out of the need for candy and toys, Growing out of it will enable us to create our own course and progress along our chosen growth path. We need to make the system of rewards and punishments irrelevant in our work lives by growing out of it. Only then we can enjoy the freedom in our work lives and be the masters of our destiny.

The Art of Handling Unmet Expectations in Real-Time

This was a journey from Los Angeles to Pune. Nothing unusual about it. An Uber ride to the airport - congestion at the LAX airport, car taking time to pull in at the curb. A very long line at the airline checkin, a checkin bag getting wrongly labelled, long security check lines, over crowded carry-on baggage compartment ... and the list goes on till at the arrival in Pune a baggage claim belt that wouldn't start till it was eventually fixed.

During this time I watching my mind respond to the situations ( and there were several) which did not happen according to my expectations. No calamity here, just some minor sources of irritations. The point here however is that the rate at which they were happening was enough to cumulate the minor irritations in the mind. Cumulated irritations causing a noticeable mood shift and accompanied by a reduction in the energy levels.

I was able to catch the mischief at the root. I realized that ignoring this "minor" mischief is the root cause of major mind and life events which led me to think in terms of prevention.

Realized that I need a skill of actively responding to unmet expectations as they happen in real-time. Allowing them to pile-up is never a good idea. On an average day all of us are facing several such "minor" irritants in the form of mildly unmet expectations.

What if I am able to handle these events in real-time ? What if my ability to process these is such that, there is no residual effect of each such event ? Thought this would be a highly useful preventive capability to manage my mental health.

Unmet expectations are of many kinds, some of them many in number - minor and benign, some are significant ( like a cancelled flight, major traffic jam", or very major such as loss of a near one or a job-loss.

I need a single thought process to process every unmet expectation. What would it consist of ?

1. Recognizing at each time the inevitability of some unmet expectations in life.

2. Recognizing that there is not necessarily an evil intention behind the each unmet expectation.

3. Recognizing that there could be a possibility of recalibrating some expectations in the future.

4. Recognizing that a change of solution or an innovative approach in the future is a possibility to rectify some situations.

5. Recognizing that in some cases it might be possible to just gracefully accept expectations around some unmet expectations

If points 1-5 could be combined into a single thought process and consciously applied efficiently at each such event, we will not have a unprocessed backlog, making mental hygiene management a much simpler task.

In reality, I used this approach sit down briefly to handle a batch of unmet expectations during the journey , before heading out of the airport while reflecting on the possibility of improving my capability to process these in real-time. People who had come to pick me up did not suffer the experience of an irritated me.

Wanted to share this with my friends hoping that this would be useful for anyone in any situation. I welcome you to share this with your friends too.